Your children are watching you and your husband. What they observe in your marriage will have ripple effects from their childhood up to their own marriages. Here are 5 ways that you model a healthy marriage.
How do you model a healthy marriage for your kids?
- The way you speak to, and about, one another.
- How you interact with each other.
- How you handle money together.
- The way you handle conflict and disagreements.
- In how you worship and serve the Lord together.
We can all remember our growing up years and watching our own parents. Think about how they were with each other. How did you feel as a child? Did you feel safe and secure because of how your mom and dad were with one another? Or did some days leave you feeling a little unsettled because of their relationship dynamic? And what patterns, maybe, do you see in your own marriage that may be a reflection of what you grew up knowing?
You see, whether or not we realize it, the marriages we grew up witnessing have influenced our own marriage in small or large ways. That influence could either be positive or negative. Let’s walk through these 5 ways you model what marriage is to your kids and you decide if they are healthy representations or not in your own marriage.
Model a Healthy Marriage When You Talk to One Another
Kids are listening even though that is one of the things we end up disciplining them for it seems. They listen to how your husband speaks to you at dinner. How you greet him when he comes home. Or the way you both discuss ideas.
Raising boys, I am thankful that they get to hear their father compliment their mother’s cooking, praise her for something she has accomplished, tell her she looks beautiful, seeks and respect her opinions about things, and speaks highly of her to others. It is also important for them to hear me speak to and about their father in ways that show my love, appreciation, and respect for him.
Not only does being attentive to how we talk to one another model to our children a healthy marriage, but it also models how we treat other people as image bearers of God.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
Proverbs 18:21
and those who love it will eat its fruits.
Words have the power to hurt, or to heal; to tear down, or to build up; to bring disgrace, or to give honor. How do you use words in your marriage?
Gracious words are like a honeycomb,
Proverbs 16:24
sweetness to the soul and health to the body.
How You Interact With Each Other
One of the best compliments we have received is being asked, “Are you guys newlyweds?” We have been married for 15 years and still flirt and make each other laugh.
I think it is important for our kids to witness the love their parents share. By openly showing affection for one another, children see that their parents love each other, and that results in a feeling of security. What does that look like? That varies widely considering both personalities and family dynamics, but it could be things like:
- greeting each other with a hug and a kiss
- holding hands
- a tasteful lingering kiss (save the make-out sessions for the bedroom!)
- playful flirting
- sitting close together during family movie night
- sneaking up behind one another and wrapping your arms around them
- complimenting each other in front of the kids
Something fun, and funny…
Ask you kids how their mom and dad show their love for one another.
Son 1: “You kiss each other on the cheek, and then the lips.”
Son 2: “You guys hug and kiss.”
Son 3: “You guys stay up too late laughing in bed.”
But interacting is more than just the flirting and playfulness.
How you work together is just as important. Do you bicker and argue your way through tasks, or are you able to problem solve together and enjoy the experience.
How you interact in the middle of working on things models to your kids not only another side of marriage, but also teamwork and showing respect for peers. Its important for them to see that healthy marriage is about teamwork. In anything from how you parent them to painting walls, or even fixing broken things. Instead of letting frustration affect the way you work, lean on one another’s strengths in the situation to get the task accomplished.
How you interact outside the home is just as important as inside the home. Be consistent. Model to your kids that your marriage reflects out into the world. It is a gift from God that shows the world God’s design for marriage is GOOD and holy. A biblical marriage is beautiful and fun, loving and rewarding; even though it can be hard.
When You Handle Money Together
Your kids’ first perspectives of money come from watching you and your husband. They may not see your bank accounts and know every detail, but their initial observations give them a foundational impression of marriage and money.
If this is an area that you struggle in, you need to seek help. Whether that comes from some spending time researching or talking to a financial advisor, don’t let money be an unnecessary stress in your marriage. As the homemaker you can do a lot to help your husband and your family in this area.
The bottom line is that money need to be handled TOGETHER. Your kids should see you budgeting together, setting goals together. Goodness, you can even dial the kids in on this! Let them be a part of your financial goals. We keep our budget posted on the fridge, so our boys naturally see how our family finances work.
They hear us discussing our family wealth plan, listening to finance podcasts together, and discussing purchases and needs that are coming up. Our goal in this area is building financial literacy in our kids organically, as well as intentionally, so that they are set up for success in this area personally and in their future marriages.
In How You Handle Conflict and Disagreements
No marriage is without disagreements and conflict, even the healthiest ones. Kids can sense tension and unhappiness, so you can’t sweep things under the rug and let them fester or operate on silent treatments. Screaming matches aren’t healthy either! Conflict resolution is an important skill for our kids to learn. Modeling it in our marriages is a perfect and natural opportunity to teach them.
Modeling healthy approaches to disagreements begins with always showing respect and care for the other person. And prayer! If there is something you are really struggling to come together on, PRAY! Even minor disagreements. Teach your kids that praying together, and for each other is the first course of action.
Teach your kids that it is okay to separate and take some time to think about, and pray about it, on your own. Then you can come back together with clear heads and calm emotions, and hopefully come to a resolution.
A soft answer turns away wrath,
Proverbs 15:1
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
NEVER talk about one another in a condescending or disrespectful way, especially in front of your children.
Model a Healthy Marriage When You Worship Together and Serve the Lord
Husbands and wives model what it is to serve the Lord by first loving and serving one another as scripture says. They bring glory to God in how they serve each other. By joyfully walking in their biblical roles of sacrifice and service, you demonstrate Christlikeness to your children. How you lovingly submit to his leadership and headship like Christ submitted to God the Father. How he sacrificially loves you like Christ loves his bride, the Church.
God gave us these biblical roles to help us understand Him more as God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Modeling these aspects as scripture declares bears witness to our children in our homes.
You may be a couple who reads the Bible together, or separately. There isn’t a one right way to do this. Just let your kids hear you discussing God’s Word together. Sharing scripture with one another, or listening to worship music and hymns together. On the way home from church, share your big takeaways from the sermon. These are ways that we impart the faith to our children and teach them the Bible. If we don’t live out our faith in front of them they would think us hypocrites.
Model a healthy marriage to your children by being affectionate, respectful, humble, and wise together, and by building one another up in the Lord. All in front of your children.
For our kids to have a healthy and biblical worldview, our actions must reflect the ideas that we teach them. And it all begins in our homes and with our marriages. It bears fruit only by God’s grace. May he receive all the glory and praise!
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